We're All Mad Here
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When Jonathan Crane attracts an admirer, a young biochemist called Tina Reeves, Jervis Tetch is immediately suspicious of her intentions toward his friend. Will her influence be enough to destroy their friendship forever?
1. Chapter 1

**We're All Mad Here**

"Fear." That was the word he awoke to, a word hissed in a dry, raspy voice. At least, he thought he was awake, but he could see nothing but darkness in front of his eyes. "Fear is the most primal of man's emotions," continued the voice. "Do you fear the dark? You should. In the darkness dwells all that there is to be afraid of – the unknown, the mysterious, the terrible. The nightmares of the mind, creations that could be born nowhere else but in the pit of blackness that inhabits the souls of man. It is always there, the dark, a constant presence, like fear itself. We can never be rid of it, for as certain as day rises, night creeps on and slowly consumes it again. And the fear returns with it. The realization that safety is an illusion, comfort a figment of your imagination, something you tell yourself to try to drive away the horror. But fear is everywhere, terror is everywhere, evil is everywhere. It is only in darkness that we realize that. Only in darkness when we can face the dark side of ourselves, and realize that that is our true form. So tell me, what are you afraid of?"

And suddenly visions swam in front of his eyes, horrible, hideous, terrifying visions. He tried to scream, but he couldn't make a sound. He couldn't see anything but those awful shapes, and couldn't hear anything but the voice of the Scarecrow hissing, "What is it? What do you fear?"

Suddenly there was a knock, and an instant later, Jervis Tetch opened the door. "Tea-time," he said, holding up his pocket watch.

"What, now?" said the Scarecrow, straightening up from where he had been leaning over the gagged and bound hostage, who twitched while his eyes rolled in terror. Scarecrow removed his mask, and Jonathan Crane checked the watch on his wrist, raising his eyebrows. "My, my, is it that late already? How time flies. I'll be right there, Jervis," he said, replacing the mask on his face. "Just need to finish my experiment."

"Well, hurry up or the tea will get cold," replied Tetch, shutting the door to Crane's study and leaving him to it. He strolled into the living room, a cosy parlor decorated with elegant wallpaper and covered from floor to ceiling in books, except for an ornate fireplace along one wall, and a Victorian table in the center of the room, which had been laid with tea things. Tetch sat down, pouring himself a cup from the china teapot and then helping himself to a scone.

He was spreading jam on this when Crane emerged from his study, taking off his Scarecrow mask and removing the syringes from his fingers. "How is the new strain of fear toxin?" asked Tetch.

"Remarkably effective, thank you," replied Crane, beaming. "It literally paralyzes with fear, making the victim completely ineffectual, unable to move, speak, or interact in any way with the world outside his broken mind."

"Congratulations," said Tetch, sincerely. "I know you were hoping it would be a success."

"Well, I've been working on it for many months, Jervis," replied Crane, sitting down and pouring himself a cup of tea. "It'll need a few more controlled experiments before I can test it out on the masses, but I'm tentatively crossing my fingers that it will be my most potent and long-term damaging chemical to date."

"That is good news," agreed Tetch.

Crane helped himself to a scone. "And how is your own research, Jervis?" he asked. "Had a productive day? These scones are delicious, by the way."

"Thank you, I spent most of the afternoon baking them," replied Tetch, raising a cup of tea to his lips. "But my prototype for the new mind control chip is coming along splendidly. It's so tiny you won't need hat cards or anything of the kind to use it. It fits into a tiny patch you place just behind the ear. Batman probably won't even notice it's there the first two or three victims he finds."

"Yes, I always thought that World's Greatest Detective label was a bit of an exaggeration," sniffed Crane, sipping his own tea. "Sherlock Holmes is the World's Greatest Detective. Everyone knows that."

"Perhaps they thought World's Greatest Non-Fictional Detective was a bit of a mouthful," said Tetch. "Though I agree, people should say what they mean. And mean what they say, which isn't the same thing at all, you know. You might as well say 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see.'"

"Well yes, quite," agreed Crane.

The telephone rang at that moment. "I'll get it," said Tetch, putting down his teacup and going over to pick up the phone. "Hello?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" chuckled a familiar voice.

"Hello, Joker," sighed Tetch heavily, making a face.

"Oh, just answer the question, spoilsport!" snapped Joker.

"Yes, it is, and now I'll endeavor to go catch it," sighed Tetch.

Joker laughed. "Got me, Hatty! Hope I'm not interrupting you two lovebirds in your cozy little love nest," he giggled.

"Well yes, you are, rather – we're just in the middle of tea," replied Tetch.

"Is that what you call it?" laughed Joker. "Sorry to disturb you! I know how annoying it is to have distractions _in flagrante_. If you knew the number of times Batsy had interrupted me and Harley…"

"Yes, I don't know how many times I can say Jonathan and I are not a couple before you believe it," interrupted Tetch. "The fact that we have decided to rent an apartment together is not an uncommon practice among friends. You may remember Holmes and Watson."

"Nope. Are they people I've killed?"

"No, they're fictional characters. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson."

"Oh right, yeah. That guy who's supposedly the World's Greatest Detective but really doesn't hold a candle to Batsy. So which one of you is Watson?"

"Well, obviously Jonathan is," retorted Tetch.

"Jonathan is what?" asked Crane.

"Jonathan is eager to get back to work, so we'd better get back to tea. Lovely talking to you as always, Joker…"

"Hang on, Hatty, you ain't even heard why I called," snapped Joker.

"Well, do be quick about it – the tea's growing cold and there is nothing on this earth more disgusting than cold tea," snapped Tetch.

"Just wanted to know if you'd seen my Harley girl around anywhere. We got into a fight last night and I threw her out."

"You threw her out?" repeated Tetch.

"Of a third-storey window, yeah," continued Joker. "Anyway, I want her back because I'm hungry and I need her to make dinner, but I called Pammie and she ain't with her. I was just wondering if she might have stopped by to stay with you two."

"No, I haven't seen her, but I'll let you know if she turns up," replied Tetch. "Although I find it highly unlikely that she'd come to us. Plus we're going out tonight so we might not be in when she calls."

"Aw, that's nice. Anywhere romantic?" giggled Joker.

"The theatre," sighed Tetch. "We're seeing Gilbert and Sullivan."

"Are they those guys who go around taming white tigers? Harley dragged me to see them once, and it was pretty boring until the tiger bit down when the guy's head was in his mouth and tried to tear off his…"

"No, they're 19th-century operetta composers," interrupted Tetch.

"Operetta? Is that like an opera for girls?"

"Yes, Joker, it's like an opera for girls," sighed Tetch, sick of explaining things to him.

"Well, whatever helps you keep the romance alive, I guess. Anyway, let me know if Harley shows up – I guess I'll have to go out to eat somewhere. Or I could just order a pizza and shoot the delivery boy when he arrives. Oooh, or say, 'Here's your tip!' and then stab him with a knife! Yeah, that sounds like fun!" There was a hysterical burst of laughter. "All right, well, enjoy your romantic evening, Hatty! Buh bye!"

"Goodbye," said Tetch firmly, hanging up the phone.

"What did he want?" asked Crane as Tetch sat back down.

"To ask if we'd seen Harley. Apparently he's thrown her out again and she's gone missing," sighed Tetch.

"I don't know why she puts up with him," muttered Crane, angrily stirring sugar into his tea. "She deserves so much better."

"The day you and I understand how the female mind works will be the same day hell experiences a dramatic shift in temperature," replied Tetch, pouring himself another cup of tea. "Or, if you prefer, the day the Joker regains his sanity."

"The day Batman dies?" suggested Crane.

"Oh, Jonathan, we must believe that is an achievable ambition," replied Tetch. "Otherwise what's the point?"

"True," agreed Crane. "Well, if this new fear strain proves a success, perhaps the time is close at hand for the Bat to breathe his last."

"One can only hope," agreed Tetch. "Pass the butter, please."


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you mean you don't serve tea?" demanded Tetch angrily, glaring at the terrified bar staff during the interval of the show. "What kind of theatre doesn't serve tea?!"

"Um…most of our patrons prefer…alcoholic beverages," stammered the man behind the counter.

"Well,_ I_ prefer tea!" snapped Tetch. "And if I were you, I'd set about finding me some this instant, young man! Do you have any idea who I am?"

"Mr. Tetch?" said a voice behind him.

"Yes, that's right!" snapped Tetch, whirling around. His face instantly changed from threatening anger to nervous apprehension as he recognized his former employer standing behind him. "Mr…Mr…Wayne," he stammered, shocked.

Bruce Wayne was looking at him curiously, as was the attractive woman on his arm. "Is there a problem?" asked Bruce.

"No, no, no problem," said Tetch hastily. "Just…um…whatever drink you have on hand will be fine, my good man. Two, please," he said, turning back the bartender. The last thing he wanted to do was cause trouble when a celebrity like Bruce Wayne was around. He certainly didn't want to test out his mind control prototype with the threat of such publicity looming over him.

"You've been declared legally sane now, haven't you, Mr. Tetch?" asked Bruce.

"Yes, that's right," replied Tetch.

"Congratulations," said Bruce, sincerely. "You must be very proud."

"Yes. Yes, very proud," said Tetch, wishing the bartender would hurry up with those drinks. He didn't want to speak to his former employer any longer than necessary. It was awkward.

"You haven't seen Professor Crane anywhere lately, have you, Mr. Tetch?" asked Bruce. "I understand you're good friends, and I've heard he recently broke out of Arkham Asylum."

"Did he? How interesting," said Tetch, hastily. "But no, no, I haven't seen him. I haven't the foggiest idea where he could be."

"Any reason you're ordering two drinks?" asked Bruce as the bartender placed them on the counter.

"I'm…ah…thirsty," retorted Tetch. "Always am – that's why I drink so much tea. Thank you very much, my good man, keep the change," he said, shoving a twenty dollar bill at the bartender. "Nice seeing you again, Mr. Wayne, I hope you enjoy the rest of the show, and have a delightful evening with your very charming young lady…oh, not that I'm implying anything in particular will happen with the young lady…and not that it would be improper if it did, of course, far be it from me to criticize someone like you, Mr. Wayne. Of course what you do in the privacy of your own home is your own business, and your own affair…not that you're having an affair, of course, I didn't mean to imply that…um…yes, have a…nice night. Goodbye," he said hastily, rushing away.

He returned to the private box Crane and he had rented, wiping sweat from his brow. "You had better be careful, Jonathan, they've put out the notice of your escape…" he began, but stopped speaking when he entered the box to see Crane talking to an incredibly attractive young lady.

"Ah, Jervis, you're back," he said, standing up and smiling. "Allow me to introduce Miss Tina Reeves. She recognized me from the wanted posters."

"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me," said Tina, beaming as she extended her hand. "I'm just pleased to have run into Professor Crane, and here of all places. I've studied his research extensively."

"Miss Reeves is a biochemist working for Lexcorp in Metropolis," explained Crane.

"I…see," said Tetch, shaking her hand. "Well, what brings you to Gotham, Miss Reeves?"

"I'm visiting friends," she said. "But unfortunately none of them would accompany me to the theatre tonight. Gilbert and Sullivan isn't for everyone, but I just love it. The lyrics are so witty, and the music is worthy of high opera."

"Yes, indeed," agreed Tetch. "Which is your favorite, if I may ask?"

"_Ruddigore_," she replied.

Crane stared at her. "Nobody ever knows _Ruddigore_," he murmured. "But it's my favorite too."

"Of course it is, Professor Crane," she replied, smiling at him. "Cursed baronets and haunted castles – I'd expect the Master of Fear to adore it."

"Oh? Has Jonathan's fame spread even to Metropolis?" asked Tetch.

"Oh yes, we hear all about the supercriminals of Gotham," said Tina, smiling. "The Mad Hatter is pretty well known too, Mr. Tetch. We don't have any such problems in Metropolis, of course, with our own particular superhero defender. He's basically unbeatable - it would be the height of foolishness to try to go up against him."

"I hear the Joker has," replied Tetch. "Though knowing him, he probably just thought it was funny."

Tina shrugged. "Clown, fool, very similar, wouldn't you agree?"

"I wouldn't say that to him if you value your life or sanity," retorted Tetch.

"Don't worry, I have no interest in meeting him," retorted Tina. The bell rang to signal the end of the interval, and Tina turned to Crane, smiling. "But I certainly wouldn't mind a lengthier conversation with you, Professor Crane. Perhaps if I gave you my phone number you could call me sometime?"

"Or perhaps you could join me and Jervis for drinks at our apartment after the show," suggested Crane.

She beamed. "I'd like that," she said. "I'll see you when the performance is over. Enjoy the rest of the show."

She left them. "What a charming young lady," commented Crane.

"Yes," agreed Tetch. "A little too charming, and a little too convenient, wouldn't you say?"

"Convenient?" he repeated.

"You know, the fact that she just happened to be here and just happened to see you and just happened to have an interest in your work and now has just happened to invite herself over to our place for drinks."

"She didn't invite herself – I invited her," he retorted.

"The point is, it's all very coincidental, wouldn't you agree?" asked Tetch. "I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was some ulterior motive behind her eagerness to get to know you."

"Oh Jervis, you do think the worst of everyone," sighed Crane.

"Yes, and so should you," retorted Tetch. "You're a wanted man, don't forget. What if the police have sent her to find out your location?"

"Then I will be sent back to Arkham with my lesson learned," retorted Crane. "And I will thenceforth never trust anyone again. Is that what you want to hear? Now do be quiet – the second act is starting."

The lights dimmed and the music started playing again. Tetch tried to focus on it, but he couldn't help worrying about their meeting afterward. He didn't trust Miss Reeves – something didn't feel quite right about her. Tetch was a man of science who didn't usually pay heed to irrational ideas, but even a scientist knew to trust their instincts. And his instincts said the woman was dangerous. He only hoped a closer acquaintance with her would make Jonathan feel the same.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm afraid you might find the place rather untidy," said Crane, fiddling with the keys to the apartment. "We're just a couple of bachelors who aren't used to entertaining young ladies…"

He opened the door and did a double take when he saw Harley Quinn lying on the rug in front of the fireplace, where a cheery fire was burning, drying out her wet costume which hung over the grate. At the moment, she was wearing nothing but one of Tetch's formal shirts which was far too big for her, and therefore long enough to make her appear decent, although her legs were bare as she kicked them lazily in the air, lying on her stomach and reading a book. She looked up as they entered and beamed. "Evening, boys!" she said cheerfully.

"H…Harley," stammered Crane. "What…are you doing…here?"

"Yeah, sorry, didn't mean to crash here without an invitation," she replied. "But it's raining outside and I needed a place to hole up this side of Gotham. I tried knocking but when I realized you weren't home, I decided to climb through the window and just make myself comfortable while you were out. Hope you don't mind."

"I can see you're busy entertaining tonight, Professor Crane, I'll just go," said Tina, smiling at him.

"Oh no, no, she's not…um…Miss Reeves, this is Harley Quinn, you know, the Joker's girlfriend," stammered Crane. "Harley, this is…"

"I ain't the Joker's girlfriend," Harley snapped suddenly. "I don't want anything more to do with that selfish creep until he apologizes for pushing me outta a window again. He promised me he wouldn't do that anymore after last time, and I'm sick of him breaking his promises. I ain't going back to him again. Not until he changes."

"Yes, that's all very well, Harley," retorted Crane. "But the point is she's not my girlfriend…"

"I didn't mean to imply that she was," replied Tina. "It's just obvious that you have company, and I'd hate to intrude. Why don't I just leave you my number and we can rearrange for tomorrow or something?"

"Oh…yes…that would be…lovely," stammered Crane.

She smiled at him and then wrote her telephone number down, sliding it into his pocket. "Goodnight, Professor," she murmured. "Mr. Tetch."

"Who was she, Johnny?" asked Harley as he and Tetch entered the apartment, shutting the door behind Tina.

"Her name is Tina Reeves. She works for Lexcorp. We only met tonight, but she's very interested in me. In my research, naturally," he added hastily.

Harley's eyes narrowed. "Lexcorp?" she repeated. "Ain't that owned by that jerk Luthor? He and Mr. J don't get along. And you can't trust the judgment of anyone who don't like Mr. J."

"Including yourself at the moment, Harley?" asked Crane, dryly.

"Oh…yeah," stammered Harley. "Yeah, well, y'know Mr. J can be a big jerk sometimes. But that's no reason not to like him. I still love the dumb clown – I just ain't gonna return to him until he promises me he ain't gonna treat me like crap no more."

"And you're proposing to stay with us until then, are you?" asked Tetch.

"Well, yeah, if you wouldn't mind putting me up for a couple days," replied Harley. "This is a real cozy place you got here, and I feel bad always intruding on Red's hospitality when Mr. J throws me out."

"And you believe it will only take a couple of days for the clown to change?" asked Tetch. "Assuming he does at all."

"Aw, sure he will, for me," retorted Harley. "He won't be able to last a couple days without me. When he finds out he ain't got no choice, he'll do it. He loves me."

Tetch and Crane shared a look. "I'm afraid we don't have much in the way of space," said Crane. "There's this room, and then our two bedrooms and our two studies, but that's it really. We weren't expecting to need a guest room…"

"Aw, that's no problem, Johnny, I'll just sleep on the sofa in here," said Harley. "I've slept on worse. And maybe I can help around the house as payment for letting me stay or something. It's the least I can do."

Crane sighed. "Well, I suppose we can't just throw you out into the street, can we?"

"Not wearing nothing but my shirt, certainly," agreed Tetch.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that," said Harley, looking down. "My clothes were soaked, so I just helped myself to whatever was in your closet. But I'm warm enough now with the fire and all. You want it back?"

"No, no, that's fine, you keep it on," said Tetch hastily as Harley began to unbutton the shirt.

"Hey, I ain't modest around you two – why should I be?" asked Harley, as she pulled off the shirt and handed it back to Tetch. She was left standing in her undergarments.

"Um…why…shouldn't you be?" asked Tetch, slowly, as they both couldn't help staring at her.

She stared back, puzzled. "Well, ain't you two a couple? That's what Mr. J says."

"Um…no, neither of us is a homosexual, Harley," replied Tetch.

"Oh," she said. Then her eyes narrowed and she snatched the shirt back from Tetch. "Then quit staring, would ya? It's rude to ogle a gal like that, y'know. Especially a gal who belongs to another guy. Y'see this scar?" she snapped, pointing to a letter 'J' carved over her heart.

"No, you've told us not to look at you," retorted Tetch.

"Yeah, that's right," she snapped. "Honestly, Red is right, guys are such creeps sometimes, and they only got one thing on their minds! If I weren't so grateful to you both for letting me stay, I'd slap you for looking at me in my undies! And I always thought you two were such gentlemen!"

"Harley, you were the one who undressed…" began Tetch.

"Well, I won't make that mistake again, will I?" she demanded. "Jesus, it ain't easy being an attractive gal, I tell ya! There's always some perv trying to catch a glimpse of you naked! When are men gonna learn to respect women, and not just for their bodies?! It's like feminism never happened, I tell ya!"

Harley managed to forgive them both pretty soon afterward, and after a few cups of decaffinated tea, Crane and Tetch bid her goodnight and headed down the corridor to their separate bedrooms.

"Just out of curiosity, are you going to call Miss Reeves tomorrow?" asked Tetch.

"I don't see why I wouldn't – it would only be polite," Crane replied. "Perhaps I'll invite her round for tea, assuming that's all right with you, Jervis."

"Oh yes, fine," said Tetch lightly. "Perhaps that way Harley can form an opinion on her."

"And I'm sure she'll not hesitate to share it," replied Crane. "Goodnight, Jervis."

"Goodnight, Jonathan," said Tetch, entering his room and shutting the door. He wondered if Harley's opinion of Miss Reeves would coincide with his own. Then again, he reminded himself, Harley was in love with the Joker, so clearly wasn't the most reliable mind around. Her agreement with him would not necessarily be an asset to his cause. In fact, it would probably be the opposite.


	4. Chapter 4

"_Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day! I've got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way!_"

Tetch groaned as the singing, combined with a sudden burst of unwelcome sunlight, woke him from a solid sleep. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness, he saw that Harley had pulled the curtains and was now whistling happily as she dusted around his room.

"Morning, Jervis!" she exclaimed, beaming. "Time to rise and shine! I've made breakfast so you can start the day right!"

"What time is it?" muttered Tetch, reaching for his pocket watch on the nightstand.

"Time to be up and at 'em!" replied Harley, cheerfully. "The sun is up, so we should be too, ain't that right?"

"The moon was shining sulkily, because she thought the sun, had got no business to be there, after the day was done—'It's very rude of him,' she said, 'To come and spoil the fun!'" muttered Tetch in annoyance as he sat up, reaching for his dressing gown.

"Aw, is that more of your Wonderland stuff?" asked Harley. "Maybe if you have a copy lying around I'll read it during my stay. Since you guys don't seem to have a TV, there ain't really much else to do but read, not that I'm complaining. It's nice to be able to catch up on the all the classic books I should have read by now. I really enjoyed taking English in college, y'know, but psychiatry was my major and my true passion, and it turned out great in that it let me meet Mr. J, so I ain't got any regrets. I just finished _Pride and Prejudice _and I gotta say, I don't see why all the gals love this Darcy guy. He's really stiff and boring, and no fun. Not my type at all…"

Harley continued to babble as Tetch followed her into the living room, where Crane was already seated at the table, looking equally annoyed at being awoken so early, and nursing a cup of coffee.

"Now as a special treat, I made pancakes!" cried Harley, emerging from the kitchen with two plates. "And they're real happy to see you!"

The pancakes had two fried eggs for eyes, and a slice of bacon for a smile. "Mr. J likes to make his smiley faces outta syrup, but you guys don't appear to have any," she continued. "Guess you ain't fans of sugary stuff, but Mr. J just has the biggest sweet tooth. I joke with him and ask him why that don't make him more sweet, and he usually just punches me in the face, but it's all a gag, y'know…"

"Harley, I wonder if you wouldn't mind…being quiet," said Crane, gently. "Both Jervis and I prefer to wake up gradually with silence for reflective contemplation, and we're not the most loquacious people early in the morning."

"Yeah, Mr. J ain't a morning person either," sighed Harley. "He's a real grumpy baby. But he ain't as polite as you when he wants me to be quiet – either he tells me to shut my useless face or just slaps me around. But I don't mind because he loves me really, y'see…"

"'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter, 'You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none - And this was scarcely odd, because they'd eaten every one," muttered Tetch.

Harley stared at him. "You know what that means, Johnny?" she asked Crane.

"I think it means he'd like to be left to enjoy his meal in peace," retorted Crane. "But thank you very much for making breakfast, Harley."

"No problemo, Johnny!" said Harley, beaming. "I'll just be reading quietly over here if you need me. I'm on to _Wuthering Heights _now, and this Heathcliff guy is much more my type. I like a man who curses the woman he loves to eternal torment so they can wander the earth together forever – so romantic!"

She sighed adoringly, picking up the book and curling up into an armchair. Crane and Tetch shared a look, and then started eating breakfast. They had both taken just a single bite of their meal before they shared another look, and then spat out the food discreetly into their napkins. Harley had many talents, but cooking was not one of them.

It was for this reason that Tetch insisted on making the scones and sandwiches for tea later that day, although he told Harley that it was because he wanted to be a hospitable host. He also wanted to spend as little time as possible with Miss Reeves, who arrived early in the afternoon as per Crane's invitation. His dislike of the previous day toward her had not disappated – she was perfectly kind and friendly in her attitude toward him, but something still felt false and deceitful about her. It wasn't a rational dislike, but to his mind, it was still a valid one.

About halfway through tea, an angry knocking suddenly sounded on the door. "Johnny! Hatty! If that useless waste of space is in there with you, tell her to get her worthless ass out here now!"

Harley sighed, standing up. "I'll handle this," she muttered, striding over to the door and throwing it open to reveal the furious face of the Joker.

"There you are, you little minx!" he hissed. "Do you have any idea what kinda trouble you've caused me?! I've been up most of the night scouring Gotham for you! There's a pile of dirty dishes and laundry at home with your name on it, so come back with me right now and do the only thing you're good at, you useless little brat!"

He had seized her arm, but she wrenched it away angrily. "You think talking to me like that is gonna make me wanna do anything for you?" she demanded.

"Yeah, it usually turns you on, you dumb blonde!" he snapped. "And so does this!" He struck her a harsh blow across the face, and she immediately returned it.

"I ain't in the mood, all right, Mr. J?!" she shrieked. "I ain't forgiven you for shoving me outta a window when you swore to me it wouldn't happen again! You remember that?! After I tried to kill the Bat using your own plan because I thought that meant we could settle down and be happy together, you ungrateful jerk! And I spent weeks in the hospital after that, but did I come back to you?! Yeah! And you know why?! It wasn't just because you gave me a stupid flower – it was because you promised me it wouldn't happen again! You _promised_! How can I ever trust you if you keep breaking your promises, Mr. J?!"

"You would have come back even if I hadn't promised, you stupid bimbo!" he shouted. "You can't live without me!"

"Yeah? Then why did you promise?" she demanded. "Was it a joke? Cause it wasn't funny, Mr. J, and neither is breaking it! You know I don't mind a little roughing up, but I don't ever wanna end up in the hospital again because of you! I hate hospitals, and I always have! I won't put up with you hurting me so much I end up there! You wanna apologize to me now, or I ain't ever coming back!"

He was livid. "You think you can blackmail an apology outta me, you worthless broad?!" he demanded. "Do you know who I am?! I'm the Joker! Nobody blackmails the Joker!"

"Yeah, and nobody loves the Joker except me!" shrieked Harley. "I'm the exception to the rule, Mr. J, I've always been the exception to the rule! The Joker don't allow nobody to get close to him, but he let me! The Joker don't allow people to see behind his smile, but he let me! He don't tell people he loves them, but he told…"

Joker slapped her. "You watch your mouth, you worthless dame!" he shrieked. "I don't love you, all right?! Jesus, Harl, it was all a joke, don't you get it?! Every time I told you I loved you, it was all just some stupid joke! I couldn't care less about you, but you'll still come back to me and let me use you because you're so hopelessly dependent on me that I can do whatever the hell I want to you, and you'll still be begging for more! That's why I keep you around, you stupid woman! Because it makes me laugh to see how pathetic you are! I don't love you! I don't love anyone! I'm the Joker!"

Harley glared back at him. "Yeah, you're the Joker," she hissed. "And you're on your own now. Goodbye, Mr. J."

She slammed the door in his face and strode back into the living room. A second later she heard a round of gunshots, and the door fell in on itself.

"Don't you walk away from me, you pathetic dame!" shouted Joker, rushing after her. "I'll break your face! I'll…"

He paused when he saw the others seated at the table, staring at him. He noticed Tina and immediately smiled. "Oooh, I see we've got company! Hi, I'm the Joker," he said, extending his hand and beaming.

"Um…Tina Reeves…nice to meet you," she stammered. Crane seized her hand before she could shake Joker's and glared at him. Joker looked at his palm and chuckled.

"Well, it was a shock to see her – I thought it would be a good gag," he laughed, shrugging and taking the joy buzzer off his glove. "What's a pretty thing like you doing in a dump like this?" he asked, grinning at her. "I know a lot of young gals like having gay friends, but…"

"For the last time, we're not gay!" snapped Crane.

"Then why is there a guy tied up in your study?" asked Harley.

"Oh, for God's sake, he's an experiment!" retorted Crane. "Not that kind of experiment!" he added, hastily.

Joker chuckled. "Seems to me, baby, you should ditch these losers and maybe start hanging around a real man. You wanna have dinner tonight?"

"Mr. J, don't ask other women out on dates in front of me!" shrieked Harley, livid.

"And why would you care, you useless dame?" he snapped, rounding on her angrily. "You ain't my girlfriend anymore!"

"Yeah, and Tina ain't stupid enough to get involved with you after she's seen how you treat me!" shouted Harley. "I don't know why any dame would be stupid enough to do that!"

"Well, you were, weren't you, you dumb broad?" he snapped.

"Yeah, and I ain't gonna let another young, attractive career gal make my same mistake!" retorted Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "Tina's got a promising future at Lexcorp and she ain't gonna throw it all away to be some stupid clown's sidekick!"

"Lexcorp?" repeated Joker, glaring at Tina suddenly. "Oh, Lexy's sent you to spy on me, has he? Well, you've blown it now. Ain't no way I'm sharing any secrets with you."

"Um…I'm actually just a researcher," replied Tina. "I don't have anything to do with Mr. Luthor…"

"Oh, well you would say that now, wouldn't you?" snapped Joker. "Too late, toots, secret's out. You're a pretty crap spy, y'know, revealing your identity right off the bat like that."

"I'm not a…"

"Off the Bat!" repeated Joker, laughing suddenly. "I clearly have him on the brain! Ah, off the Bat! Now there's something I'd like to do, eh, Harley girl?" he chuckled.

She giggled. "Oh, Mr. J," she sighed. "Nobody makes me laugh the way you do."

She gazed at him in adoration, but then her eyes grew stern again. "But I ain't coming back until you apologize to me," she said firmly. "And promise me you won't do anything that'll make me end up in the hospital again."

"And I ain't letting you blackmail me!" snapped Joker. "So stay here forever if you wanna, you useless waste of space! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I'm the goddamn Joker! And if you came crawling back to me now on your hands and knees, I wouldn't take you back! So good luck to ya, toots! Have a nice life!"

"You too, jerk!" she shrieked as he stormed out of the apartment. She stared after him, fuming for a few moments, and then her eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I…miss him already!" she sobbed, rushing from the room.

"I'm dreadfully sorry about that," said Crane, turning to Tina. "But you get used to random chaos and violence with the clowns around."

"Yes, their reputation precedes them," replied Tina, dryly. She sipped her tea and then said, "You mentioned you were working on an experiment? Is it anything interesting?"

"Oh yes, indeed," replied Crane, warming to the subject immediately. "I'm creating a new strain of fear gas that completely paralyzes the victim. They're literally too terrified to speak or move or probably even think. It will be a highly virulent chemical, once I've finished testing it, of course."

"That does sound interesting," replied Tina. "Would you be able to give me a demonstration?"

"Oh…yes, I think that could be arranged," replied Crane, surprised and pleased. "I'll need to find another test subject, of course, as this one's probably near death, but it shouldn't be too difficult to kidnap someone else…assuming your ethics don't trouble you?"

Tina shrugged. "The advancement of science is worth sacrificing almost everything, don't you agree?"

"Of course I do, but it's unusual for others to…see the bigger picture sometimes," replied Crane. "If you'd like to come round again tomorrow, Miss Reeves, I'm sure I can have everything prepared by then."

She smiled and rose. "See you tomorrow then, Professor Crane."

"Jonathan," he said. "It's Jonathan, Miss Reeves."

She beamed at him. "Tina," she corrected. "Goodbye, Jonathan. Mr. Tetch."

"Goodbye, Tina," breathed Crane.

"Goodbye," snapped Tetch as she left, with Crane gazing after her.

"We must look into getting another door as soon as possible, Jonathan," said Tetch, as he poured himself another cup of tea.

"What?" murmured Crane.

"Joker just destroyed our front door," retorted Tetch. "We'll need a replacement."

"Oh…yes…replacement, yes, yes," murmured Crane, clearly not paying attention to a word Tetch was saying. "She really is rather wonderful, is she not, Jervis?"

"Yes, I agree there's something to wonder about with her, certainly," replied Tetch.

"What do you mean?" asked Crane.

"She seems remarkably interested in your research, Jonathan, that's all," replied Tetch.

"Yes, it's remarkably interesting," retorted Crane. "And she shares my passion for biochemistry."

"And you're sure you want to reveal your secrets to someone who shares your passion for biochemistry?" asked Tetch. "What if she tries to steal them?"

"Oh, for God's sake, Jervis, stop being so paranoid!" snapped Crane.

"What I am being is sensibly cautious, which is more than I can say for you!" snapped Tetch. "You've just been taken in by a pretty face! You have no idea what her intentions are – you're just flattered at being shown attention by an attractive woman!"

"Yes, I am!" he retorted. "Can I be blamed for that?"

"No, but it's no reason to completely lose consideration for everything else!" shouted Tetch.

Crane glared at him. "I do believe you're jealous, Jervis," he snapped. "Just because you've resigned yourself to being completely alone for the rest of your life because the girl you've convinced yourself is your one and only love is lost to you does not mean I have!"

Tetch gaped at him. "Jonathan, that is unworthy of you," he said, quietly.

"And perhaps I'll apologize for it later," he retorted, rising. "But I am in no mood for being lectured to at the moment. Nor for being around people."

And he stormed off to his room without another word, slamming the door behind him. Tetch sat glaring at his tea, and then suddenly picked up the cup and smashed it. "How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail, and pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale!" he muttered. "How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws, and welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws!" He sighed. "Although in this case, the crocodile is female. But I just can't bear misquotation."


	5. Chapter 5

Harley had finished _Wuthering Heights_, which she thoroughly enjoyed. She hadn't come across any other book that conveyed so well the pleasure of destructive and violent passion. Lots of people probably thought it was a tragic book, but it had a happy ending in Harley's mind anyway – even if Cathy and Heathcliff were cursed to remain on earth forever, at least they were together. And if Harley was to be damned, she wanted nothing else but to be damned with Mr. J.

Still, that was no excuse for him to break his promise to her, and she found confirmation of this in her next book, _Jane Eyre_. "Now see, this gal's got the right idea," said Harley, to the empty room. "The guy she loves lied to her, didn't tell her he'd got a wife hidden in the attic, and now she's ditched him. Good for you, sister. If he don't respect you, get outta there."

She sipped her tea thoughtfully. "Still, Mr. J ain't that bad," she muttered. "At least he ain't got a wife he ain't telling me about. At least, I don't think so," she said, her brow suddenly furrowing in confusion. "What if he is married and just don't remember, just like he don't remember a lot of stuff before the accident? Does that mean we can't get married one day if we can't confirm he's single? Are we gonna have some guy appear at the church on our wedding day and accuse Mr. J of bigamy, just like this guy here did to Rochester? Jesus, I ain't never thought about that before," she said, slamming her book shut and leaping to her feet. "One of the perils of getting involved with an older guy, I guess. But I ain't gonna let anything like that ruin my special day! I gotta find out where the law stands if people can't remember their past. If he even was married, which he couldn't have been, really, because he only loves his Harley girl forever and ever."

She nodded firmly and began hunting around the stacks of books for anything to do with marriage law. "C'mon, it's like a library in here, they gotta have something," she muttered, flipping through one book and tossing it over her shoulder irritably. "Johnny! Jervis! Where do you keep your law books?" she shouted. She didn't receive a response. "Johnny! Jervis!" she called again.

With a sigh of annoyance at being ignored, she stormed down the hall and threw open the door to Crane's study. "Johnny, you got any books on marriage…" she began.

She stopped speaking when she saw that Crane wasn't in his study, but Tina was, leafing through some notes. She whirled around at the sound of Harley's voice and smiled nervously. "Oh…Harley…hi," she stammered.

"Hi, Tina…where's Johnny?" asked Harley.

"He's just gone to make lunch," she replied.

"Oh. What were you looking at?" asked Harley, pointing.

"Jonathan's research notes on this new fear strain," replied Tina. "It's…quite fascinating, really. Jonathan has an…amazing mind."

"Oh yeah, he's a real smart guy," said Harley, nodding. "Nowhere near as smart as Mr. J, of course, but then who is?"

"Harley…this is a surprise," said Crane, appearing from the kitchen carrying a tray with two plates of food on it. "Would you…um…care to join us?" he asked, hoping she wouldn't say yes.

But Harley seemed to get the hint, for she shook her head. "Nah, I'll make something for me and Jervis later. You two enjoy lunch. Um…you want me to make something for that guy there, or will you take care of him?" she asked, nodding at the latest victim tied up in a corner of the room, paralyzed in fear.

"I doubt he'll appreciate it, and he probably won't last much longer anyway," replied Crane.

"Ok. Well, see ya, Johnny. Tina," said Harley, nodding at them and shutting the door.

She made her way down the hall and knocked at the door to Tetch's study.

"There's no sort of use in knocking," replied Tetch from within.

"Oh…ok," said Harley, turning and heading back down the hall.

Tetch sighed and threw open the door. "It's a quote," he muttered. "It translates as come in."

"Well, how am I supposed to know that?" asked Harley, entering the room. "If you're gonna make up your own language, you should write a dictionary and give it to everybody you know. It'd only be polite."

"Yes, I suppose," sighed Tetch. "How may I help you, Harley?"

"I wanted to know if you had any books on…aw, those are the cutest things I've ever seen in my life!" squealed Harley, suddenly noticing the lab mice Tetch kept in a cage. She rushed over and began cooing over them.

"Well, watch what they can do, Harley," said Tetch, putting the microchip behind his ear. He shut his eyes and the mice immediately rushed to sit down at a tiny table and began pouring each other little cups of tea from a mini-teapot.

Harley squealed, clapping her hands over her mouth and shrieking, "Aw, Jesus, that's adorable! How are you doing that, Jervis?"

"It's a mind control chip," explained Tetch, smiling. "I can make them do anything I want, just by thinking it."

"Wow, that's genius!" squealed Harley. "If Tina wants to read the notes of an amazing mind, she oughta see yours too!"

"Tina wants…what?" asked Tetch, gently.

"I was looking for Johnny and interrupted her going through his notes," explained Harley. "It was kinda odd, actually – she looked all furtive and guilty. And I don't know why she'd need to rifle through them when he's not there – I'm sure Johnny would show her anything she asked him."

"Well yes, quite," murmured Tetch, thoughtfully. "I'll be honest with you, Harley, I don't trust Miss Reeves. I believe her desire to get close to Jonathan is for deceptive reasons, and her interest isn't in him at all, but in his research."

"That'd be a pretty crap thing to do to a guy – break his heart just to get to his work," said Harley. She thought for a moment. "So maybe you and me should do some digging on her just to make sure she ain't doing that to Johnny. See what we can find on the internet, maybe."

"Good idea, Harley," said Tetch, nodding. "We don't have a computer here, unfortunately, so we'll have to head to the library…"

"Nah, no need to do that – I got a computer at home," said Harley, turning to leave. "C'mon, Jervis."

"At home?" he repeated. "With the Joker?"

"Yeah."

"But I thought you said you weren't going back…"

"I ain't going back to him – I just wanna use my computer," she retorted. "Mr. J probably won't even wanna talk to me if he's still in his bad mood. We'll just pop in and out quickly. It'll be fine, you'll see."

Somehow, Tetch didn't quite believe her.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, look who's come crawling back!" sneered Joker, as he opened the door to Harley and Tetch. "Didn't I say I wouldn't take you back, you worthless dame? But I'm a reasonable man, after all, and I can't hold a grudge, and since you've come all this way you might as well get back to work – this whole room needs cleaning…"

"I ain't come back to you, Mr. J," retorted Harley. "I'm just here to use the computer."

"And what makes you think I'll let you use my computer?" demanded Joker.

"_Your _computer?" repeated Harley, incredulously. "You don't even know how to use it!"

"Sure I do," he said.

Harley glared at him, then took his arm and dragged him over to the computer. "Turn it on then," she said, gesturing at it.

"I don't need to turn it on," he retorted, folding his arms across his chest. "I don't wanna use it at the moment."

"Well, I do," said Harley.

"Then you turn it on, you lazy brat!" he snapped. "Jesus, Harley, I have to do everything around here! You need to stop being so dependent on me, you clingy broad, especially since you're gonna have to do without me from now on!"

Harley glared at him but didn't respond, pressing the power button on the computer and sitting down. Joker chuckled. "Hey Tetchy, got a joke for you! How's a computer like a dame?" he asked.

"I don't…know," said Tetch, slowly.

"You just gotta press one button to make it hum!" he chuckled. Tetch stared blankly back at him and Joker's face fell. "Never mind – I forget you ain't never had a girlfriend. Comedy gold wasted on an unappreciative audience, I tell ya. Pearls before swine," he sighed. He looked at Harley and grinned. "I bet a certain Harley girl misses having her button pressed, doncha, pooh?" he murmured, sliding a hand down her body.

Harley shoved him away. "I said I just wanna use the computer, Mr. J," she snapped. "So keep your hands to yourself, would ya?"

"All right, cool it, kid," he snorted. "Just thought you might be missing Daddy's touch, that's all."

"Mr. J, don't think you can use sex to make me come running back," she retorted. "It happened so rarely when we were together that I ain't even begun to miss it yet."

"Hey, I was just trying to be nice, toots!" he snapped. "I don't want you back! I'm loving the bachelor lifestyle!"

"Well, that makes one of us," muttered Tetch.

"You know what I'm gonna do?" continued Joker. "I'm gonna go get a beer for me and Tetchy, and we're gonna drink it in the dining room, and we ain't gonna use coasters! C'mon, Tetchy!"

"Hey, you wanna ruin the table, you go right ahead!" shouted Harley after him. "But that's a fine piece of teak, you ungrateful jerk! You got no respect for nice things, Mr. J, that's your problem!"

"I got plenty of respect for nice things!" he shouted back. "Just not brainless things like you, Harley!"

"Screw you, jerk!"

"In your dreams, kid!"

He slammed the door to the kitchen and took out two beers from the refrigerator, shoved one at Tetch, and then stormed into the dining room. "Stupid brat," he muttered, biting off the bottlecap with his teeth. "Here, lemme get that for you, Tetchy," he said, taking the bottle from him and doing the same.

"Oh…thanks," stammered Tetch, taking the bottle back and trying to ignore the fact that Joker's mouth was bleeding. He didn't seem to care, taking a swig from the bottle and leaning back.

"Women, eh?" he muttered. "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

"I've had to live without them my entire life," retorted Tetch.

"Yeah, yeah, you're pathetic and lonely, I know," said Joker, waving his hand. "Your life's probably a never-ending cycle of despair and loneliness as you sink deeper and deeper into the realization that you'll never be loved by anyone. Boring!" he exclaimed suddenly. "And gloomy! And I'm a happy kinda guy who don't like to be brought down. Anyway, you don't know how lucky you have it, not to have some clingy dame on you all the time. They're like animals. Except when you beat an animal, it learns to stay away from you. Which I guess makes Harley dumber than an animal."

"And yet you seem to tolerate it," replied Tetch.

He shrugged. "What else am I gonna do? Kill the brat? Tried that. She don't die. Ain't gonna keep trying to kill someone who don't die – that'd be crazy."

"But Batman…" began Tetch.

"Crazy," continued Joker, ignoring him. "And do I look crazy to you, Tetchy?"

"Erm…no?" replied Tetch, slowly.

"And she has her uses, I guess," sighed Joker. "Y'know. She cooks for me and stuff."

"But Harley's a terrible cook," said Tetch.

"Oh, no arguments here," he replied, laughing.

"So why would you want her back to cook for you?" he asked.

He shrugged again. "She's _my _cook, so I want her back. It's the principle of the thing. And she works for free. And I'll get her back too. All I gotta do is use the old Joker charm – it's never failed me yet!"

Tetch wisely decided not to mention his failure at charming Harley just now, assuming that was his idea of charm. It probably was.

"Last time we had a bust up like this, it took me three weeks to get her to come back," Joker muttered, taking a swig from his bottle. "Spent a goddamn fortune on her too. But that was kinda my fault, really – she would have come back after a couple days, but I bought her a puppy, a real fluffy one, which I later shot in the head. I thought she would think it was funny. She didn't."

"Even I know that Harley wouldn't like you shooting puppies in the head!" snapped Tetch. "She loves animals! You should have seen her cooing over my lab mice!"

"Look, if you had been there, I guarantee you would have thought it was hysterical too," snapped Joker. "You and Harley just don't appreciate slapstick, that's your problem!"

He took another angry swig from the bottle. "Why would you do all that if you don't care about her?" asked Tetch quietly.

"Told you, didn't I?" snapped Joker. "It's the principle of the thing. I got my reputation to think about - how would it look if people learned that Harley, my Harley Quinn, who I created, whose mind I broke, who I shaped in my image, had become free and independent of me? You think I wanna have to deal with that kinda nightmare? You can't let your creations run free – all kinds of disasters happen. Ain't you ever seen Frankenstein? I'm responsible for Harley, and I ain't about to let her go off and do whatever she wants and make me seem like I did a bad job molding her! Or having people realize that despite all my effort, she's still horrendously unfunny! I can't have her going around tarnishing my good name like that! That wouldn't be funny at all – it would just be pathetic, like Harley! People will begin to disrespect me if I can't even keep some pathetic dame I created under my thumb. And if you ain't got respect, what's the point of being a goddamn criminal, I'd like to know? Well, look who I'm talking to," he muttered. "You ain't got any respect from anyone, and you're still trying, ain't ya? I certainly don't wanna end up as pathetic as you, Hatty. At least having a hot broad on my arm will ensure that'll never happen," he chuckled, finishing his beer.

Tetch sighed but said nothing. He was used to letting Joker's insults go over his head. Reacting to them was just what the brute wanted, and Tetch refused to give him that satisfaction.

"Are you gonna drink that?" asked Joker, nodding at the beer in Tetch's hand, which he hadn't touched.

"Um…no, I don't think so, thank you," replied Tetch. "I don't usually drink much of anything besides tea…"

"How do you cope with the unutterable depression of your life without alcohol?" asked Joker. "I mean me, I'm a happy guy, and I don't drink that often – all things in moderation, that's my motto! Plus using drugs and alcohol is cheating – anyone can get crazy on those! Takes a natural flair to get crazy without 'em. But then I don't really need to drink that often because, y'know, I'm the Joker. It's pretty good to be me. But you're the Mad Hatter. I mean…c'mon Tetchy. You must be close to suicidal most of the time. Alcohol will help you with that."

"Well, it dulls the mind," retorted Tetch. "And as my mind is my biggest asset, I don't want to risk any harm to it. I don't suppose that's a huge consideration for some of us."

"Hey, let's not compare sizes, all right?" snapped Joker. "It's obvious mine's bigger. I don't even have the hat thing going on to compensate."

He chuckled madly. "I think you're probably the most annoying man in the world to try to have a serious conversation with," sighed Tetch.

Joker giggled. "I do my best," he replied.

Harley entered the room carrying a couple sheets of paper. "I think you might wanna have a look at these, Jervis," she said, handing one to him.

Tetch looked at it, puzzled, and then read aloud, "The Model Penal Code allows people to use an honest belief that they are only married to one person as a defense against a charge of bigamy…"

"Oh, sorry, that's the wrong one," said Harley quickly, snatching it back and handing Tetch another paper.

Joker stared at her. "What are you doing looking up bigamy laws? You ain't married, are ya?"

"No, of course I ain't!" she retorted. "But I don't know that you aren't, do I? I just don't wanna find out at our future wedding that you've been keeping a mad wife locked in an attic or something!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded. "I ain't got a mad wife because I ain't married you, you crazy bitch! I dunno why any guy would marry a gal who's nuts!"

"Jesus, you don't even know classic literature, do ya, Mr. J?" snapped Harley.

"Look, I can't read with you two shouting at each other like that!" snapped Tetch. "Everyone just calm down so I can concentrate!"

He read aloud, "_Lex Luthor has announced his company is researching a new form of weapon that could be revolutionary in terms of chemical warfare. The drug, which Luthor has provisionally named Luthex, affects the brain by simulating visions of terror, and causes whoever is exposed to it to become literally paralyzed with fear._ I must say, that sounds very familiar," he said, looking up at Harley.

"Yeah, and look at this picture here," said Harley, handing Tetch a photo she had printed off. It showed Lex Luthor standing by a podium giving a speech, and seated on the very edge of the platform behind him, Tetch could just make out the form of Tina Reeves.

"Curiouser and curiouser," he murmured. "She's closer to Luthor than she claims, then."

"Told you she was a spy," snorted Joker. "I can always tell when people are joking about who they are."

"Do you think we should show these to Johnny?" asked Harley.

"I don't think we have any choice," sighed Tetch. "I don't like to hurt him, but he must know the truth before that woman gets any closer to him." He thought for a moment. "Harley, you might do it. He might take the news better coming from you than me."

"Me?" repeated Harley. "Why do you want me to hurt him?"

"Because Jonathan believes me to be jealous of his happiness," retorted Tetch. "He might think I just made this up in order to discredit Miss Reeves. He might not believe it's true. While you could have no such motivation."

"Nope, my Harley girl ain't in love with a nerdy freak, unlike some people here," chuckled Joker.

Tetch was about to snap at him, but Harley beat him to it. "No, but I kinda wish I was, Mr. J!" she retorted. "I bet Johnny would treat me with respect! I bet he wouldn't go around shoving me outta windows or beating me senseless! And I bet he can remember if he's ever been married, too! Any gal would be lucky to have him, which is more than I can say for you! C'mon, Jervis, we gotta get back!"

She stormed from the room with Tetch following her. "Harley! Harley, get back here!" shouted Joker. "Harley! You do as I say, you worthless dame! This place still needs to be cleaned up! You ain't going anywhere until you've done that!"

"Do it yourself, you pathetic creep!" shrieked Harley.

He threw the beer bottle at her – she ducked and it smashed against the door. "Now clean up that glass!" he shouted.

Harley glared at him, but stormed into the kitchen, seizing the broom. She marched back into the hall and then smacked Joker across the head with it. "You deaf?! I said do it yourself!" she shrieked, as she continued to beat him.

Tetch seized her around the waist and dragged her away before it could turn into a full-scale fight. "Harley!" shouted Joker after her. "Harley, I'll get you for that, you useless waste of space! You hear me?! I'll get you!"

"Y'see, Jervis?" sighed Harley in adoration. "He does love me!"


	7. Chapter 7

"Oh…Jonathan…are you going somewhere?" asked Tetch as they entered the apartment just as Crane was leaving it.

"Yes, Tina and I are going to dinner," he replied calmly. "After which I'm going to stage a mass testing of my new fear gas by unleashing it into the restaurant. Should be quite the show."

"Aw, dinner and a show, that's really romantic!" sighed Harley. "Mr. J never takes me to…"

Tetch elbowed her. "Oh yeah, it_ is_ really romantic, but you shouldn't bother," said Harley, frowning. "Tina's a fraud, y'see."

"Thank you for dropping that bombshell so delicately, Harley," sighed Tetch.

Crane stared at her. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"She's only using you," explained Harley. "She's getting close to you to get to your research, and that's it. She wants to steal your work and give it to Lexcorp – I found her going through your notes earlier today. And Luthor's announced he's creating a chemical that's exactly the same as your current strain of fear gas."

She handed him the papers. Crane studied them and then glared at Tetch. "Did you put her up to this?" he demanded.

"Hey, nobody puts me up to stuff!" snapped Harley angrily. "Except Mr. J, but he didn't do it either! It's the truth!"

"If it's the truth, then why hasn't she just taken the notes and run?" he demanded. "Why would she ask me to perform a mass demonstration of the chemical?"

"Maybe to make sure it works for Luthor's purposes," retorted Harley. "Chemical warfare ain't just against one individual, y'know. It has to affect huge numbers of people. Why don't you ask her?" she asked as Tina appeared in the hall.

"Jonathan, I've been waiting in the car…" she began.

"Excellent, let's be off," he said, taking her hand and heading for the stairs.

"Just a moment," said Tetch. "Miss Reeves, I hate to even bring this up, but…"

"You wanna stop using Johnny to get to his research. It ain't nice," snapped Harley.

"I'm…sorry?" stammered Tina.

"Yes, so am I," retorted Crane. "You'll have to forgive them, Tina, they're under the mistaken impression that your relationship with me is merely so you can steal my work."

"Yeah, and we ain't crazy," snapped Harley. "We ain't just jumping to random conclusions. We got evidence."

She thrust the papers at Tina, who stared at them for a moment, and then looked at Crane. "Jonathan, you can't believe this…"

"Of course I don't," he retorted.

"Because he's not using his mind!" snapped Tetch. "He's refusing to do that a lot lately! But fortunately I have no such qualms!"

He suddenly seized Tina's face and planted one of his microchips behind her ear. "Now tell him the truth," he commanded.

"The truth is…I need his research to impress Mr. Luthor," murmured Tina, who couldn't help but obey him. "The drug we're meant to be developing isn't working, and Mr. Luthor is very upset. I don't want him to be upset. I love him. It was rumored that Professor Crane was developing a similar strain of fear gas – I thought if I came here and got close to him, he would trust me with his notes. I could take them back to Metropolis and develop the chemical myself, and Mr. Luthor would recognize me as being the one who succeeded where everyone else failed. I've tried so hard to get close to him, but he doesn't seem to care. I just want him to notice me. I'd do anything for that."

"Jesus, what kinda pathetic dame are you?" snapped Harley. "Degrading yourself just to impress a guy – ain't you got any pride?"

"Oh, Harley, you'd do anything to impress the Joker!" retorted Tetch.

"Well…yeah, but that's different," replied Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "That's Mr. J. Lexy ain't as smart or handsome or funny as Mr. J. Plus what kinda gal wants a bald guy? Ain't nothing to run your fingers through during…"

"I really don't think now is the time, Harley," interrupted Tetch.

Crane was staring at Tina, his face a mixture of disbelief and utter betrayal. "That can't…be true," he stammered. "It can't…Tina, tell me it's not true!"

"It is true," she murmured. "I am sorry I had to hurt you, Jonathan, but I would do anything for him. I wanted a mass demonstration tonight so that Batman would find you and catch you, and I could return to Metropolis with your notes and develop the drug myself. You couldn't take credit for it if you were locked up. I would tell Mr. Luthor it was all my doing. That would impress him. That's all I want."

Both Tetch and Harley knew the pain of heartbreak well, and they saw it now in Crane's face. But then his eyes grew hard and cruel and he murmured, "Well, no point in wasting our reservation. And I do need to test my chemical on a wider audience. Oh, but you won't be needing the gas mask I was going to bring for you now. No reason why you shouldn't test the efficiency of the chemical yourself, since you're so enthusiastic about it. Come along, my dear."

"Jonathan, no!" she gasped as he dragged her toward the stairs. "Please, I didn't mean…"

"Are you frightened, my dear?" he interrupted. "No, I don't think you're nearly frightened enough. Not yet. But you will be. Everyone will be."

He dragged her away, struggling and screaming. "You think maybe…we should go after him?" asked Harley slowly.

Tetch looked at her. "Do you?"

"Nah, not really," she replied. "I mean, if someone used me like that, I'd do a lot worse than scare 'em stiff. But y'know, if the Bat does show up, he'll probably need help fighting him."

Tetch nodded. "Good point. Let's go."

Batman did show up, but Crane didn't fight him. He just sat at the scene of his crime, waiting to be caught, ignoring the terrified faces around him, including Tina's. Batman handcuffed him anyway, and quickly subdued Tetch, handcuffing him and dragging him over next to Crane. As Batman chased after Harley, Tetch looked at Crane and murmured, "I am sorry, Jonathan."

He shook his head slowly. "No, I'm sorry, Jervis," he murmured. "I should never have snapped at you. I should have believed you. I just…wanted it to be true. I'm sure you understand."

"Oh yes," agreed Tetch. "Yes, I do."

"I sometimes wish I knew how to kill hope," he muttered. "And to stop caring. To stop wanting to care, I mean, but…I don't know how to master emotions, Jervis. I can only master fear."

"You're a human being," replied Tetch. "You can never master the desire to be loved. Trust me, I've tried. I believe it's one of those annoying little aspects of being human that you can never be rid of, like over-analyzing situations, or thinking too much about everything, or…feeling fear."

Crane sighed, shutting his eyes. "What ridiculous creatures we are, Jervis."

"Oh yes, I've always thought so," agreed Tetch. "Humanity is complete and utter nonsense. Just a bunch of madman running around on the earth without direction or purpose, thinking themselves so important and busy, when really they're just wandering lost down a rabbit hole. It's one of the reasons I love the Carroll books so much, you know, Jonathan. I find Alice's adventures intensely relatable. Just a series of random, meaningless, nonsensical meetings with lunatics. We're all mad here."

"Mr. J will get you for this, you big, stupid, ugly Bat!" shrieked Harley as she was dragged over to them in handcuffs. "He's gonna cut off your hands for touching me! He's the only guy who can hit me, you got that?! He don't let anyone else but him rough up his Harley girl, because he loves me so much!"

Tetch looked at her for a moment and then turned back to Crane. "Of course, some are more mad than others," he said, dryly.

"Well, yes, quite," agreed Crane, managing a smile.


	8. Chapter 8

"No!" screamed Harley, her eyes wide in horror as she stared at the open book. "No, no, no! Oh God, I've made a terrible mistake!" she cried, starting up from the sofa in the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum and rushing to try the locked door. She began banging on it loudly. "You gotta let me out!" she screamed. "I gotta save Mr. J!"

"What are you talking about, Harley?" asked Tetch, looking up from his own book.

"Why didn't you tell me how this ended?!" shrieked Harley, holding up the copy of _Jane Eyre_ she had been reading.

"Well, it's been ages since I've read it, but I recall the ending being a fairly happy one," replied Tetch, frowning.

"Happy?!" shrieked Harley. "He goes blind! All because that stupid woman was too proud and selfish to stay with him! He only lied to her because he loved her and wanted her to be with him forever! But did she care?! No! The selfish bitch cared more about herself than the man she supposedly loves, and runs off, and she's punished by the man she loves going blind! Geez, you get sucked into thinking she's all relatable and feminist, but she's a horrible role model, and she gets what's coming to her for leaving him! Just like I did! The moral of the story is if you leave the people you love because you're too proud to forgive them, terrible things happen to them! Well, I ain't gonna let it happen to Mr. J! I gotta get outta here!"

"Harley, that's not the moral of the story at all…" began Tetch, but at that moment the door was unlocked and the Joker was thrown inside.

"You tell Bats I'll see him next week!" he called after the guards. "If this dump can even hold me that long!"

He laughed, then noticed Harley, and his smile fell. "Oh. Didn't know you were in here too," he muttered.

Harley gaped at him in astonishment. "Mr…J?" she gasped. Then she squealed in delight, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him all over. "Oh, you're back, you're back, you're back! And you ain't blind after all…"

She paused and then drew away from him suddenly. "How many fingers am I holding up?" she asked.

"Harley, what are you…" he began.

"Just answer the question!" she snapped.

"Three, but why…"

"Oh, Mr. J, you ain't blind!" she screamed happily, jumping into his arms again. "It's a miracle! And I learned my lesson – I ain't ever leaving you ever again!"

"Harley…I don't understand," he said, slowly. "I didn't promise you…"

"You don't have to promise me nothing," retorted Harley, firmly. "You treat me however you want, Mr. J, but it ain't gonna make me leave you. Nothing's ever gonna do that."

"Great," sighed Joker. Then he grinned. "You mean that? I can treat you however I want?"

"Uh huh," she replied.

He chuckled. "Well, I got a couple good ideas, pooh, if you wanna go someplace a little more private," he murmured, sliding his arms around her waist. "Hope you're in the mood for a little bruising."

"Oh, Mr. J!" she sighed, adoringly. She kissed him. "I love you, puddin'."

He picked her up and carried her out of the room. Tetch stared after them as their laughter faded down the hall, and then sighed, shaking his head. "'I weep for you,' the Walrus said: 'I deeply sympathize.' With sobs and tears he sorted out those of the largest size, holding his pocket-handkerchief before his streaming eyes."

"Yes, I suppose there are worse things than being alone," agreed Crane.

"Yes, like being eaten by a walrus," replied Tetch.

"Oh, J's too thin to be compared to a walrus," retorted Crane.

Tetch laughed. "Are you…feeling better?" he asked, gently.

"I'll live," replied Crane. "And there's no point in wallowing in depression. I've got far too much work to do for that. My new strain is very effective – I need to plan out the perfect way to utilize it to its maximum potential. Maybe poisoning Gotham's water supply when I break out."

"That sounds ideal," agreed Tetch. "Let me know if you want any help."

"I will," replied Crane. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," replied Tetch.

"No…I mean it, Jervis," he said gently. "Thank you. I don't know where I'd be without your friendship sometimes."

"I'm touched, Jonathan," said Tetch sincerely. "But since we're both locked up in the madhouse at the moment, it doesn't speak very highly of where my friendship has got us, has it?"

"Well, as you say, out in the world, locked in the madhouse, it doesn't make much difference," replied Crane, shrugging. "We're always going to be surrounded by lunatics. Which is why it's so important to have the friendship of at least one sane person. Thank you for that."

Tetch smiled at him. "You're welcome. I feel the same, Jonathan. But you mustn't go spreading that around, you know. The Sane Hatter doesn't have quite the same ring to it. And it's so important to preserve your image. Just ask J."

"It'll be our little secret, Jervis," replied Crane, smiling and returning to his book.

**The End**


End file.
